The Unabomber was a hipster

The personal effects of Ted Kaczynski, aka the Unabomber, will be sold via an online auction by the U.S. Marshals beginning May 18, 2011. U.S. District Judge Garland Burrell of the Eastern District of California ordered the sale in August 2010. Proceeds from the auction will be used to compensate Kaczynski’s victims.

The Marshals have seen fit to upload the photos of his effects to a Flickr album, where you can peruse them to make your choice in advance.

What is most striking about the items is not how evil and terroristic they look, but how well they would fit into a Williamsburg loft apartment...

All he's missing is the fixie.

Unabomber Hipster
Iconic look
The iconic look
Zac Efron failing to pull it off
Zac Efron failing to pull it off
Military surplus satchel
Military surplus satchel
Human surplus, satchel
Human surplus, satchel
Corona typewriter
A classic instrument for castigating civilization
Typewriter girl
Smoking because you can't write

Terrorist aviators

Shatterproof shades for the clumsy scene kid
The leftist is not typically the kind of person whose feelings of inferiority...
"The leftist is not typically the kind of person..."
Dear diary, today I stole my sister's new jeans, her old ones were too big...
"Dear diary, I stole my sister's new jeans..."

Taking family photo to phone-less forest shack

Taking kooky photos with iPhone & Hipstamatic

Contents: Nails, varnish, bomb

Contents: Nail-varnish, bath-bomb

Using bow and arrow to live off the land

Dressing up as an Indian to get laid

One can almost imagine the post-post-modern textbooks of tomorrow's sociology courses:

In their iconoclastic but limp-wristed efforts to escape mainstream culture, the hipsters of the early 2000s recapitulated the imagery and self-image of the "wild man" of the post-war period, Theodore Kaczynski, the "Unabomber".

As Williamsburg became overpopulated and the post-industrial ("screamo") industry took hold, many young rich Americans abandoned their cars and took to the use of bikes without gears, even sans free-wheel.

These "fixie" bikes sped them on a one-way trip to an ironic terrorist campaign, operating out of thousands of identikit forest shacks. Sitting in small groups, crafting elaborately anachronistic French-nail-bombs, they subsisted entirely on Pabst Blue Ribbon and the nutrients emanating from each other's egos.

When the last worldly effects of the first hipster king came on the market, the houses of couture rushed to snap them up. American Apparel out-bid Urban Outfitters to claim the exclusive rights to produce UNABOM aviator sunglasses.

Eventually, the bottom fell out of the market for Kaczynski reproductions and several chain-stores were left with staggeringly large stockpiles of imitation hiking boots and plastic detonators.

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One Response to “The Unabomber was a hipster”

  1. Aengus Says:

    Excellent stuff! Enjoyed that.

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